“There is life how it is and life how we think it should be. The more we cling to the latter, the more we struggle in life.” ~Headspace
This was my meditation reminder from Headspace, that popped up on my phone at the exact moment I started crying this morning.
Today is the one-year anniversary of my father’s death.
I was not so much crying for the loss of my father, that I was crying for the lack of my father, my whole life.
I was crying for the father I wish my father had been.
Then this lil ditty popped up on my screen and reminded me that my father was exactly the father I needed him to be. Even so, he was who he was. No tears I cry today or any other day of the year can change that.
It is simply my thinking that he should have been more or less that is causing my pain. Not my father.
It’s easy for me to look back on memories of my father, or lack there of and feel sorry for myself. By society’s standards or maybe just mine, I’m pretty sure my father was a shitty daddy. Great provider. Rule enforcer. Father, but not a daddy.
I either hated or feared him for most of my life.
It wasn’t until about ten years ago that I started seeing him for who he was, instead of seeing him for who he was not. I am 37 years old now. So for more than 2/3’s of my life, I had no real relationship with him.
I watched a documentary the other day about Tony Robbins, I am not your Guru. One of the things I got from watching it was, if you are going to blame your parents for all the messed up things in your life, you have to thank them for all the good things in your life too.
I would not be who I am today, if I had any other father but mine. Better or worse, some of my most messed up habits come from him, and so do some of my greatest traits.
I didn’t have a daddy that coddled me. That taught me to be fiercely independent. I didn’t have a daddy that paid for everything so that taught me to take care of my own finances since I was young. I didn’t have a daddy that watched me play sports and now I will never miss one of my future children’s games.
I did have a father that came home drunk on numerous occasions… that taught me to never put up with a drunk. I had a father that often belittled my mom, that taught me to never let anyone talk down to me. My father was a grumpy bastard on most days; that taught me to always wear a smile.
I didn’t have a daddy… I had a father.
I had a father that worked his ass off to pay for his eight children. We never did without. I had a father who instilled respect and good work ethic. I had a father that showed me if you want any thing in life, you have to go out and get it, because there are no hand outs in life.
I had a father that rarely hugged or kissed me, but would hammer, screw, fix or repair anything of mine that was broken. He’d be there in a heart beat.
Maybe that’s how he showed me love.
Maybe his father never showed him love… I wouldn’t know because we never had a heart to heart…
“Maybe he just did the best he could do, with what he knew. Maybe he wanted to love and didn’t know how to…”
My father died in his bed, alone, one year ago. He laid there for two days before we even knew he was dead. There are things he did in his life that I can not understand. There are things he did that make me so mad that rage swells in my throat and I cough tears of hate…
I hate him sometimes but I also forgive him.
I forgive him for being human. I forgive him for being selfish. I forgive him because when I do, I am allowing myself to forgive myself, for the things I also hate in me. For all the human, selfish things that I have done.
The night my father died, he called me to tell me he loved me. He never called me, but he did that night. I know he loved me. He loved me the best way he knew how and I guess it’s about time I started accepting that, instead of wishing it was some other way. Wishing he was some other way.
What can we do?
We can learn from the mistakes of our parents or we can repeat them. Just like they had to do with their parents and their parents had to do with their parents before.
We want to blame them, because it’s always easier to blame, then to take responsibility for our own lives. The truth is, just as my Headspace reminder told me today. “There is life the way it is and life how we think it should be.”
This is your life. You do not get another one, you do not get to choose the parents who raise you or the conditions in which you are raised.
The good news is, we all grow up. Now you can either spend the rest of your life feeling sorry for the way it started or you can take the next 75 or so years to rock out how it ends.
Don’t be the victim of your past. Be the ruler of your present and at all costs, forgive your parents. So one day, your children, will learn to forgive you.
Write back soon, love Annie.
Absolutely beautifully written it touches the soul so deeply
❤ love you
Really well said- such a great reminder- thanks!
Thank you Ellen.
This was beautiful. Often I pray to God to help me be the parent each of my children needs me to be so they grow up to be kind, compassionate, respectful, independent and happy. I feel like a failure lots of times parenting, letting my temper or impatience get the better of me. But when I say that prayer, I’m able to forgive myself where I feel I fall short sometimes. Some of the “ugly” in me, I hope will create “beauty” in my children. So I try to let go and not beat myself up over my short comings as a parent. I do believe, as parents, we all try to do the best we can, and that changes or is different each day, good or bad. Lots of love to you!
Thank you Lori. I’m sure a lot of parents feel exactly the same way… no doubt you are doing a great job, because you are all those things you wish for your children.
I do not have children of my own yet so I can not imagine how impossible it must seem sometimes to get “things right” and we can not get them right all the time, no matter how good we are. Forgiveness is an amazing and healing tool in this life. You are fortunate to know how to use it. Xoxo thanks again for your always kind words.
Very powerful piece, Annie. Reminds me how important it is to remember we “choose” our circumstances to be born into… that we are not victims of our experiences, but rather co-creators. And it’s all always for our greatest good, even — and especially — when it seems the opposite is true. The trick is making the conscious choice to see the higher view, as you have clearly demonstrated here.
Amen to that. Very, very true… thank you Christine. Xo
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Annie. I cant even find the words….but this blog entry….it is a mirror image of my father and I. Spot on exact. I want to cry, but then I find myself smiling. It is ok. All the shit. All the anger. All the hate. All the emptiness. All the abuse. Because, as you said so perfectly, it has all made me who I am today. I am tough. I am patient. I am fair. I am considerate. I don’t compare myself to others. I don’t focus on competition with others. I don’t focus on what others think of me. I listen. I love. I know what I want. Thanks to his flaws and shortcomings, I know how and where to step up for myself. Thank you Annie! Always! Your blogs really hit home for me quite often.
Awe. I love you Britt! Where ever you came from. What ever chisel life took to chip away at you… has left an amazing woman in our wake. I’m sure your husband and close friends can attest to that! You are right. It is all ok, all the shit lol, because here we are. Thank you for sharing, I am always so touched when someone can relate. It means we are not alone. Xox
I commented on this when I first read this last year but then it somehow disappeared and since I’m not so good as opening up as you are, I let it be and decided it was just as well. But now that I see it again, I wanted to tell you what I tried to write before and that is that I could have written almost this exact essay. I had a father just like yours. There are three differences: 1. my father did not drink like yours 2. my father couldn’t fix anything – once something broke that was the end of it 3. my father is still alive but I don’t speak to him.
I’m glad you were able to get over the lack of having a father in your life but I probably will forever be stuck in the blame game.
I tried to leave a comment the first time I read this last year but somehow it disappeared and I decided it was for the best as I’m not as open as you are. But when I saw it again, I wanted you to know that I had a father like this. In fact, I could have written almost every word of this essay.
There are three differences: 1) my father did not drink like yours 2) my father could not fix anything. Once something was broken, it stayed broken. 3) my father is still alive.
I’m glad that you are able to get past the lack of having a father in your life despite living in the same house as him but I will forever be stuck in the blame game. That’s why you’re anniegrateful and I’m not!
Lol Donna, I’m sure you can find a little Donnagrateful in there. 🙂 Thank you for sharing that. We can not chose who are parents are, they are ours for better or worse. Anytime we can find peace in accepting people for who they are, we are the ones who benefit. It’s never to late to change your perception. Xox