I have been crying a lot this week. Not really out of sadness but more out of release.
As I mentioned in my last blog, I had the opportunity to work with Kyle Cease last week. While working with him I realized that I have never been good at dealing with pain. I have always had a high threshold for physical pain, but emotional, not so much. Most of my life I have internalized it or deflected it.
I guess you could say that this week I have open the flood gates. I sobbed hard yesterday. A deep, messy cry. With each wave of cries, I felt a new past memory come to the surface. All the things I stuffed down in the past were asking permission to come forward and be recognized, and for the first time in a long time, I allowed them.
Memories from my early twenties where I suffered a terrible heart-break, to disappoints from my failed marriage, as well as the loss of my mother. All the things I guess I never really allowed myself to mourn were making themselves known. Here I was thinking that all these things were already past and complete, but apparently that wasn’t so. I was holding on to the pain of them without even knowing.
Some would say that the very recent passing of my father would be the trigger for this but I would beg to differ. It was not the death of my father that triggered these emotions, but how I was dealing with his death. My old pattern of stuffing it down and being strong was emerging.
I hate to cry. Not to say that I don’t cry, but when I do it is very controlled and on my terms. Even after receiving the news of my father’s sudden death last week. I cried for all of three minutes which was immediately followed by, “Okay, now what’s next.” I didn’t really allow myself to cry until I called my boyfriend and told him to meet me at my house because I was going to have a melt down. I even scheduled my melt downs!
Instead of just crying when the feelings came, I would hold them back until I was “ready” for them. I am learning now that holding back the body’s feelings is no different then holding back any of the body’s functions. We are a body, of feelings and senses. We need to feel! Just like we need to breathe, eat and sleep. Imagine what would happen if we held our breath until we decided it was time to breathe? No wonder I have been feeling like I have been suffocating, for years! Drowning in my own feelings. My body has been screaming to feel and I have constantly been telling it, “No.”
I thought I was protecting myself by being brave and controlling my emotions. Little did I know that I was actually hurting myself. I did not realize that just feeling those emotions, was exactly what my body needed to heal itself.
The truth is, not feeling emotions when they come only damages the body and ultimately makes it feel sick or depressed.
So I decided this week, after having this revelation about myself, to allow myself to feel. On my body’s terms, not mine. It has been crazy! My face just starts leaking at random moments, and it doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing, I let it flow. I immediately feel the resistance in my thoughts not wanting it to happen, but then I just allow, and soon that resistance is replaced with release. Like bursting out of the ocean after holding my breath below, I take this huge fulfilling breath of air and I realize that in feeling, I am alive.
I started this quest to follow my heart almost six weeks ago. It’s funny, as always, it is not going in the direction that I thought it would. I started out this journey as an “Achiever.” Going to go out and “chase” after my heart’s desires! I am starting to understand that instead of chasing, for once, it is just time to sit and be with myself. I don’t have to go do or be anything. I am already everything I need to be. Instead of going out, I am going to take this opportunity I have given myself, to go IN. No more doing. No lists, no goals, no preconceived notion of what I am going to achieve when it’s all said and done, just BE.
I have committed to mediating for two hours a day for the next ninety days. I have not shared this with anyone yet because I was afraid I would no be able to do it. I started 6 days ago and it has been difficult for me. Imagine. I can’t just sit and be with myself for two hours a day! That’s crazy right? I have been fighting it terribly. My mind wants to do everything and anything but sit and be still. That is how I know I need to do it. It is time I start feeling my body.
This journey to following my heart is truly turning into just that. I am excited for the next 84 days of mediating and writing. I look forward to sharing with you all that I find out about myself, with hopes that it triggers something in you, to look inside yourself. We all need to feel again. What ever it is, love pain, anger…just feel.
Much LOVE to you my readers! Thank you for traveling along with me. This has been a crazy first six weeks since I released my blog. Quite the emotional roller coaster, but I am excited. In letting go of everything that I find heavy in my life, I am floating up towards bigger and brighter things! Day 90 is May 22, 2016.
Day 6 of 90…Feeling really amazing!
Write back soon, love Annie.
