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“Like a heavy sack of burden, hidden out of sight but never really out of mind. I’ve literally been dragging my past around with me.”

I open my storage closet a few time a month.  It’s where I keep my vacuum and luggage. So every time I need to clean my home or pack for a long weekend I flick on the light and step inside.  It’s relatively clean and neat as a storage area goes, and being OCD doesn’t hurt either.  On the bottom shelf of the storage rack is a box.  A box that was packed over two and a half years ago that has yet to be opened.  No need to really, because I know what’s inside.

A box full of memories of my yesterdays. Full to the brim of wedding photos and albums of my ex-husband and I. Our first home, our first vacation, honey moon and our life together. Pictures of the day we bought our puppies home, and the first time he mowed our four-acre lot.  Snowboarding and camping trips all locked in time behind glass frames and plastic covers. My old life all bundled up, in a box sealed tight.

I sealed that box just weeks before I moved out of our home.  Since then I had it in a storage unit until it followed me to my current home.  Once here, it’s been moved between closets several times until it finally took a nesting place on the bottom of that shelf.  It is a heavy box and I’ve had to dig my heels in and push with all my weight each time I needed to move it around.  The edges have frayed and given way a bit, from it’s various pushes and pulls.

Like a heavy sack of burden, hidden out of sight but never really out of mind.  I’ve literally been dragging my past around with me.

Why? That is exactly what I have been asking myself lately.  Why do I still keep this box of memories? What purpose does this box serve me, if any? The more time I took to think, the less I had to come up with. So after its long hibernation, I decided it was time to open it up.  It was time to let it go.

Just over 10 albums and countless picture frames.  One by one I opened them up, reflected on them, then placed them in a large garbage bag.  Each frame that I emptied I placed to the side; I would be donating them to someone else.  I know the photos that used to be rocked in their frames, so there is no need for their skeletons to remain around either.

I decided that day that I can not erase my past, but I don’t have to keep it in a box in my closet either. It’s not even that I want to erase my past, it’s just carrying it around can sometimes get burdensome, and hold me back from moving forward. It is simply taking up space in my present.

I was once told, “If when you look at some thing, it no longer brings you joy, then you should get rid of it.” If we attach memories to something that brings us sadness, why should we keep it around? Seems we like I was holding onto that box much like a scar to remind me of my past.  As much as looking at those photos made me smile for the good times, they also made me feel the loss of things I once had.

I was sad to put all those beautiful pictures in that black plastic bag, but they do not serve me anymore.  The largest of the photos was a black and white of my ex and I on our wedding day.  The younger image of myself smiled at me with each photo that I tossed, she reminded me that things don’t always go as planned in this life, but they have their way of working out in the end. That sometimes in the end, they even work out better than we could have planned.

As I dragged that heavy bag out to the curb, I had gratitude for each and every memory that was encased in that bag, because they all formed me into who I am.  I bid those pictures their final goodbye before I turned my back and left it.  I will not be “carrying that load” anymore. With the extra weight off my back I am ready to stretch my wings and continue to grow on this new path laid before me.

 

I was finally able to say goodbye to those memories, not one-day sooner than I was ready. It was good to be able to find peace within myself. Time always heals, and life has a way of moving on.  What I have learned is, we can not move forward in this life when we allow the strings of the past to hold us back. I believe in releasing those photos, in a way, I released my ex and I too.

On this journey to self I am letting go of all the things that no longer serve me, clutter included.  I am making space for bigger and greater things! It is only by removing yesterdays clutter that we can see things in a new light and clear the way for new opportunities.

Write back soon, love Annie

Ps. In the middle of writing this post, I received a call that my father had passed away. That was two days ago, so I returned to finish it today. In all the tossing of photos, I saved just one, a photo of my parents at my wedding. I was planning to give it to my father today, because I was going to see him, but he is no longer with us. Instead I will have it blown up to share at his funeral, then keep it for myself. I saved that picture not knowing he had already passed.

He is now with my mother in heaven. I am sure they are dancing together in the celebration of him coming “home.” There are no coincidences in this life. I know both my parent were with me that day as I sorted through those photos, and they decided to keep that one for me. I love you Mom and Dad, I will see you on the other side. Thank you for my life… Watch me make you proud!